Jobs and religion and thoughts on the matters...

So, I'm on this extended job hunt recently and through it all I've been conversing with my mother and using her sage advice and help to try and get it to go somewhere. Lo and Behold! It seems like having my master degree has made me even less employable than having a bachelor degree because I'm over qualified for some jobs now. I thought education was useful, but I'm feeling less and less sure about that as time is passing here. (Please don't judge my education level based on my typing here. I rarely go back and re-read my posts since I find that editing would involve me taking out most of the post.)

In one such discussion with my mom about job related things, I told her about a job I applied for and made it past the initial screening. Obviously a little excited that I wasn't immediately dismissed from consideration, I had to share that small success. My mother wished me luck and added a little statement to her well-wishing that caught me off guard -

"I know you don't believe, but I will pray for you."

 Now, I find her statement off putting. I think saying that I don't believe doesn't really quite fit my stance on religion as a whole. I don't believe within the bounds of her understand, yes, but to say I don't believe as a whole isn't correct. Her words set me to thinking about religion in a very serious manner for some time.

Religion is a tricky area for me in that there is just too much - too much to understand, too much history, too much variation between different groups, too much human involvement in our interpretations. I have yet to find one distinct group that really fits my interpretation of religion.

I believe in...something. I'm hard put to define what I believe in and that separates me from most religious organizations out there. I think claiming to understand something that is beyond me is wrong, so I refuse to try to define it. I think there are things in this world that can't come to pass without something having a guiding hand in the matter, but I believe there is too much bad in the world to believe in an all powerful being.

I believe whatever higher power is there doesn't care for our petty grievances, but is compassionate none-the-less. I believe there is too much similar between the many religious groups to consider one group the RIGHT one. I believe in something and know nothing and know that all I can do is strive to be good.

It struck a chord with me to be called a non believer - not that I think there is anything wrong with not believing. I think the most important quality in a person is their actions regardless of what they believe. I've met religious leaders who have sowed ill deeds and non believers who raised up the good in people. I don't know why the statement mattered, but it did.

Science and discoveries

Some days, I wish I lived a long time ago. There is an allure to the past that I can't quite fully understand myself. Don't get me wrong - I would dread giving up the modern conveniences we have. Believe me, I am not the type to live in squalor. I am definitely more the "i'd-shower-twice-a-day-if-i-didn't-have-kids" type. I don't use porta-potties so you can image how I'd handle outhouses.

Still, I wish I lived in a world where things were new. Really new, not like the "new" we have today. "Ooo a brand new iPhone!" <--Not exactly what I have in mind.

Once upon a time people celebrated science and the advancements it could offer us. The uneducated masses didn't just decide that we knew better than those science-y folks and make decisions based on rumors and untruths, we believed that those advances were in our best interest. Sure, I get it. We lost our ability to trust those who govern us through lies and deceit and thereby lost trust in anything they have their sticky fingers in. I get the confusion and the trouble it is to decide what is and isn't right anymore. I just wish we didn't have to. I wish I could experience the joy people felt after the first successful vaccine immunization was apparent or know what it was like to discover a new planet and truly see the stars for the first time.

Our world has shrunk considerably. Discoveries come less and less frequently and they aren't embraced with joy they are scorned and tossed aside. I wish scientists were shown the respect and adoration we show towards our sports teams. In the end, those sports players won't make a difference like those scientists could. And maybe, just maybe, the love and adoration we offered scientists would push them to new heights and new discoveries and pure joy for the masses.

Something for Pops.

Tears.
Running down my cheek.
So that I can't speak.

Gone.
Never coming back.
Something I now lack.

Cold.
Freezing to the touch.
Missing you so much.

Goodbye
Never got to say.
Will join you too someday.

Losing Grandpa

I have issues with emotions and I'm not really great at expressing them. It makes me feel like a terrible person that horrible things can happen and I am just...stoic.

I lost my grandpa recently, my father's father. It's been almost a month, but it hasn't really sunk in I think. He's gone. He's truly gone and I'll never see him again. I don't have a grave to visit and I missed the memorial because I'm truly too far away and I have a heavy spot on my heart.

I don't cry - not often anyway. I wish I did because I think it would offer some relief. It would prove to me that I'm really human after all.

I miss him, that I can say for sure. It had been much too long since I saw him last, but at least it was a good memory. Sure, I yelled at him once or twice on our last visit, but it was for silly reasons and no one took them to heart.

I wish I had made more time. I wish writing about his loss didn't feel so fake. I feel like I don't deserve to express my regrets. I don't feel like I feel.

Here's to you Pops. For loving grandkids that weren't of your blood (my siblings), for raising a son who is the best dad ever, for loving your great grandkids until the day you died. You left behind a lot of sadness, but I'm glad you feel better now.

The time I wrote about writing...

Writing is always a bittersweet area for me. I love to write and wish I could spend a great deal of my time doing it, but every time I start writing I feel inadequate. I have this desire to write a book, but I don't think anything will ever come of it. Where do people pull these original ideas from? And how do they convince themselves that they aren't insane? Any time I even begin to piece a story together in my mind I can't complete it. I don't know where the story is going to end so I don't know how to direct it's path there.

I could write a story with my life as the basis for the story. Not my life exactly, mind you. I'm not that interesting. Still, I feel like my previous experiences in blogging have made it clear that there isn't much to pull from. Sure, I have stories to tell - some that people might balk at - but who doesn't have those moments in their life?

I could write a science fiction story, but what hasn't been done?

Don't even suggest something about history *snore*. I actually love history, but not THAT much.

Someday it will fall into place, right? RIGHT? I really hope so because my heart strings keep tugging me that way and I'm just not sure I can handle it without it leading to something.

1.

First posts are always the hardest for me. Do I introduce myself? I feel like that makes the assumption that people will actually read this blog and that they will actually care who I am.

I'm not writing for an audience. Do I hope that people will read? Of course. I am just hoping I won't ever let that sway my writing.

I can't promise everything will always make sense. I can't promise that I will be consistent - even with my opinions as I am human just like everyone else and I learn and adjust. CHANGE...it's fantastic. I will always try to be honest and true and hopefully kind. Maybe even Courageous...if I ever get that comfortable in my writing.

I'm just going to start this off as I would any conversation.

Hello. I'm Cassie.