Losing Grandpa

I have issues with emotions and I'm not really great at expressing them. It makes me feel like a terrible person that horrible things can happen and I am just...stoic.

I lost my grandpa recently, my father's father. It's been almost a month, but it hasn't really sunk in I think. He's gone. He's truly gone and I'll never see him again. I don't have a grave to visit and I missed the memorial because I'm truly too far away and I have a heavy spot on my heart.

I don't cry - not often anyway. I wish I did because I think it would offer some relief. It would prove to me that I'm really human after all.

I miss him, that I can say for sure. It had been much too long since I saw him last, but at least it was a good memory. Sure, I yelled at him once or twice on our last visit, but it was for silly reasons and no one took them to heart.

I wish I had made more time. I wish writing about his loss didn't feel so fake. I feel like I don't deserve to express my regrets. I don't feel like I feel.

Here's to you Pops. For loving grandkids that weren't of your blood (my siblings), for raising a son who is the best dad ever, for loving your great grandkids until the day you died. You left behind a lot of sadness, but I'm glad you feel better now.